Holy Sh*t! Ezra Pound's Ghost is in my Refrigerator!

Monday, 12 January 2009

Holy Sh*t! Ezra Pound's Ghost is in my Refrigerator!
The other day I read a poem by a British human named Debs
about an entity that attacked her in the middle of the night
and tried to steal her Calvin Klein underwear

It was a good poem;
after having a chuckle about it, I ate some shrimp, drank a bit of whiskey,
and went about my business
everything was fine
UNTIL
Something strange happened later that night…

As I slept the sleep of a newborn-tit-sucking-shit-machine,
I felt my Scooby Doo blanket being pulled off me
Slowly I awoke, looked up into the darkness at the foot of my bed and
saw what looked like the ghostly figure of someone I recognized
It was the long dead poet, Ezra Pound!
I said, “Holy shit, are you Ezra Pound?”
He said:
“AHHHHH! Motherfucker! I’m Ezra Pound’s ghost, bitch! AHHHH! BOOO! SCARY! AHHHH!!!!”

Doing what anyone would, I sprung out of bed, grabbed my vacuum cleaner
and chased him around “Ghostbusters” style
but he was fast!
Ghosts of dead poets are really swift!
He jumped into my refrigerator
(I keep the refrigerator door open at night because I like to use a lot of electricity)
I slammed the door shut and trapped him inside
He was like “AHHHH! Let me out! Let me out! AHHHHH!”
However, I decided to keep him in there and went back to sleep like nothing happened

Next morning I opened up the refrigerator and Ezra was still in it
He said he actually likes living in the fridge and handed me a couple eggs and a cuppa coffee
and gave me some awesome recipes for pasta he knew from his time in Italy
He asked if he could stay; I said OK,
because I like having a dead poet in my refrigerator

I really don’t know why people are against having evil spirits in their house
I think it’s fun having demons and stuff, I use my Ouija board all the time to contact them
and ask them to drop by and play Scrabble
What does this “Debs” person think is so wrong with nocturnal entities?
Fighting off malicious spirits in the middle of the night is a gas and such great exercise
Much better than going to the gym!

You know, it all reminds me of this hippy girl I used to have sexual intercourse with in Tennessee
As soon as we moved into a house she put on a Harry Potter costume, burned incense, and started some sort of séance to rid the place of evil spirits
I told her “NO! Stop doing that!”
I like having wicked spirits in my domicile!
So what if they’re a poltergeist or something!
They have a right to be there, too, and were here before WE moved in,
so it would be like totally rude to kick them out
What am I, an asshole?
Poltergeists and demons are people, too, with hopes, dreams, aspirations and families
Leave them alone you fucking bastards always harassing them!
(Needless to say, that relationship was short-lived!)
(Besides, she always hated it when I’d shave off my eyebrows, paint a turtle on my chest, and go do aerobics in the graveyard.)

After that I moved into a 1920’s bright pink art deco Miami Beach hotel that was possessed by something or other (probably an old pissed off Jewish lady from Manhattan)
Stuff would disappear all the time and things would fall off the refrigerator a lot
(this was before I had a dead poet living in my fridge)
At first, I didn’t believe it was haunted and accused my girlfriend at the time, who was from Switzerland, of hiding things, like my neon green goggles that went missing for a week and then turned up in the bathtub when I was having a shower and eating cereal
(I eat cereal in the shower sometimes)
I pointed at her and said forcefully that I don’t know what types of weird shit you do over there in Switzerland, but here in America we don’t steal people’s goggles when they want to go swimming in the Atlantic!
If I were attacked by a shark and mangled to death like an Australian surfer it would all be her fault!

So anyways, even after I chased her away at 3am with a hot frying pan full of bacon, stuff still went missing, so I’m pretty sure the place was possessed by a spirit of some sort
The whole incident with Debs and Ezra Pound reminds me of that place
Upon reflection, I think I’ll move back there now, buy a purple-assed baboon to keep as a pet, and bring the refrigerator with Ezra in it, too, and maybe invite Debs over so we can read poetry about ghosts, and I’ll also invite that Swiss girl, if she wants to come back
Listen, Magda (the Swiss girl’s name), I’m really sorry about chasing you with that frying pan. Can we be friends? I’ve got this really cool new ghost in my refrigerator I want you to meet!
Now if you’ll please excuse me, Ezra and I are going outside to do aerobics in the graveyard
Talk to ya later! Bye Bye!

http://everypoet.net/poetry/blogs/neocon_shakes_fear